And you are the reason people commit suicide

Maybe it is just me, am I too emotional? Am I too attached? Am I too afraid to be alone?  Who knows especially not me but what I do know is that I am done ever trying to be friends with anyone ever and I do mean EVER again.  I have known people for almost my entire life and for years done anything they wanted to make them happy even though I thought it was boring or stupid, and for what? All for nothing just so they can go and get little snotty friends that use them and don’t give two shits about how you feel or what you do and when push comes to shove wouldn’t even look back as they left you for dead.  But for some dumb fucking reason I still think about you and care about you and wonder what I did wrong.

Or let’s take this scenario for a whirl.  Girl has no friends, finds two other girls with few friends, they all become best friends.  Late night game nights, bowling, birthday parties, all fun until one of them decides that they are going to start their life early and graduates before them.  All was fine for a while, morning visits to the school to see them catch up and play cards, everything we always did.  Then came the dreaded TATTOO! OH NO PLEASE NOT THAT!  And everything changed not that I had changed or they had changed but a picture on skin made me a different person and apparently I wasn’t any fun anymore.  I then didn’t talk to them for years until last August we got together one day to catch up and I was still the silly, goofy, straight edge, weird panted, band shirt wearing kid I had always been; and to be fair they dressed the same too but their personalities were nothing of the same.  All they wanted to do was get so drunk that they couldn’t remember what happened and then talk about all the stupid things people said they did.  What fun is that? Why would you want to purposely not remember what you did the night before?  And that was the complete end of that.

And now for the most painful in my lovely series of events, losing what I actually considered to be the best (girl) friend I ever had.  I am not going to lie, a drastic change in events proved to be better for all parties involved and it, to say the least devastated me, but I got over it quickly.  I saw her be more excited and that made me happy, I was just so glad to see her enthused about life again.  Now I haven’t known this girl for anywhere near as long as the others, but I felt as though I had known her for my entire life.  We liked the same shows (and they were not shows that most adults like), we had the same types of hobbies, we both cared about bands so strongly that we would do anything help them out.  If there are friend soul mates then she was mine.  But now because I am still friends with all parties involved in this turn of events I must be the one running back and forth you know, creating more drama.  UNTRUE to the fullest extent.  I text and get no reply, I send shit online where she does all of her business with friends and nothing in return.  But the biggest shocker is now I am blocked on twitter.  I know make real friends but when your friends live their lives out on the internet and that is the way to communicate to them then it becomes a big deal.  I had heard of things being written mainly accusing friends of causing her trouble, and while I have no proof besides the block that she assumed it was me, I know in my heart she does.  So the only great friendship I have ever had in my entire life went down the drain because of the internet, and it’s ability to not be private no matter what.  So I could tell her til I die that I didn’t do anything besides want her friendship but I doubt she will ever believe it.

So these are the three main things in my head constantly, I have been defriended so many times for the most trivial things ever and yes all of them bother me but these three really hurt the most.  I think about the people everyday and wonder what it would have been like if we were still friends.  I have been told it wasn’t me that people change but how could so many people just write me off so quickly?

Now do not get the title of this wrong I WILL NOT EVER KILL MYSELF, it was just a way to get the point across that not all people are strong enough to deal with so many rejections.  I just can’t take anymore I can’t take another story to add to the massive amounts of pain I have in me already so I give up.  The worst part of it all is that not a single person in this blog would I turn away if they came crawling back because I care about them all so much.  None of them will ever read this anyway, so I guess since I am crying now I will just end this while I still have a tiny sliver of dignity left after all is gone.